Pacific Rim: Uprising

Pacific Rim was great, but you can stop there. The writing and acting in Uprising are horrible, and it isn't worth your time.

When I saw Pacific Rim, I liked it so much that I wished I had seen it in theaters. But I heard that the sequel wasn't that great, so I wasn't planning to see it. I wound up watching it anyway, except for about 15 minutes in the middle. I don't think I missed anything. In contrast to Gladiator, at least there were women in it. I appreciated that the cadets were split about 50/50. Cailee Spaeny is a terrible actress, though. All of the characters were horribly written. They were like caricatures.

I liked getting to hear John Boyega's British accent. The opening 30 seconds with him as a party boy were the best part of the movie. I want to see a movie about that character. I didn't *like* Charlie Day's character, but there's something about it that was interesting to watch.

Fist Fight

Fist Fight is long, boring, and most significantly for a comedy, not funny.

The trailer for Fist Fight was funny, and I stubbornly insisted on watching it even though most of the reviews were terrible. Strangely, the reviewer on Ebert's website liked it, which everyone in the comments section was rightfully confused about.

Repo! The Genetic Opera

Repo! The Genetic Opera is just really, really bad. It looks cool some of the time, but the terrible music kills it.

Back around the time Repo came out, a friend watched it. For some reason I wasn't interested, or he was watching it when I was about to go to bed or something, because I saw about the first third of it and not the rest. People seem to like it, though, so I thought I should see the whole thing. It turns out the first third was the only halfway decent part and it's all downhill from there.

I did like the Graverobber. He's easily the best part. I like his aesthetic. And he has the best song, about Zydrate, which is the only good song. The music is really terrible. Shilo's punk interlude was the worst. It didn't make any sense at all. Rotti's children were so weird. They didn't have any depth at all, which I guess was the point, but it made them really hard to get into.

The Transporter

I could barely force myself to think about The Transporter for long enough to write anything about it. I don't know why I thought it might be good, but it profoundly was not. Definitely one of the worst, cheesiest movies I've ever seen. Everything about it was horrible, from the music to the action, dialogue, and plot.

I wasn't interested in The Transporter when it came out, but I later became a fan of Jason Statham (Death Race and Crank, anyone?), so I decided to check it out. Bad idea. Easily one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I don't even think Statham is that good here. The music was absolutely horrible. The action sequences were so obviously choreographed and slow. There were huge pauses for Statham to hit his marks, with all the bad guys patiently waiting for their turn to be attacked.

Zoolander

The humor in Zoolander ranges from dumb to tasteless, and there's pretty much no reason to watch it.

I wanted to see Zoolander when it came out - and I was 15 - but at some point I realized it wasn't worth seeing. I should've stuck with that. I'm not a huge fan of Ben Stiller, and the schtick he did for the movie didn't help. I do sometimes like Will Ferrell; he didn't have a huge part here, but he was good. Owen Wilson was probably the best part of the movie, but that didn't make it anywhere near worth watching.

Filth

The trailer for Filth makes it seem like it's going to be light-hearted, and while there are some funny moments, it's actually the most disturbingly depressing movie I've seen since Requiem for a Dream. James McAvoy delivers an impressive performance, but it's still tough to watch.

The trailer for Filth was pretty misleading. It makes it seem like it's going to be a funny movie about a guy who does some outrageous things, but there seems like there's a potential for him to change, which was what piqued my interest. It's actually about a severely mentally ill guy having a complete breakdown, and it's the most depressing movie I've seen since Requiem for a Dream. Movies like this should have with a disclaimer.

I love James McAvoy, but Filth was rough to watch even with him as the lead. He really does bring a lot to the character, though. He always pulls you in no matter what the role is, but in good performances like this (it reminds me of Heath Ledger as The Joker), it's always the small nuances, the facial expressions and mannerisms; it's not the over-the-top emotional stuff that makes the performance noteworthy.

I knew from the start I'd have to have subtitles on, and I was right. The accents and colloquialisms were Scottish, and they might as well have been speaking Spanish for all I could pick out on my own, which meant I had to read the movie about as much as I watched it. I probably missed out on some things, and I definitely didn't get to watch as much as I wanted to. Everything was shot super close-up; it felt really claustrophobic, and it didn't help that the subtitles were taking up a good portion of the screen.

Sellebrity

In a word: boring.

I watched this movie over a couple days in about 8 sittings. I figured it wouldn't be worth sitting through all at once, and I was right. It wasn't very interesting or insightful, and it focused a lot on blaming the public for why celebrities exist and have such a hard time getting any privacy. I guess that's a valid assessment, but I wasn't expecting it to be the focus of the movie. I didn't really learn anything by watching this; I think E! probably could've done a better job in one of their specials.

Syrup

 Syrup jumps around from event to event without any logical transitions or foundation. It's supposed to be slick and cool, but it's just transparent and hollow. There are a handful of funny moments, but they don't even come close to justifying watching the worst movie I've seen all year.

Syrup was copyrighted 2011, but it wasn't released until 2013. I wonder if it got hung up somewhere, or if that's just how long it takes for a movie to come out after it's been shot. I'm betting it was the former. This looked cool from the trailer, so I wanted to see it. IMDb and Rotten Tomatoes said it was a waste of time, but I was tired of not getting to see any movies because they all had bad reviews, so I watched it anyway. It turns out the reviewers were right: this is the worst movie I've seen all year!

It was so terrible, the entire time I was watching it I just kept thinking, "This is the worst movie ever made!" The flow was absolutely horrible. They would go from snippy and snarky to something that was supposed to be meaningful and emotional without setting it up at all. The music was terrible. It would be silent, and then a cue would come in out of nowhere trying to force you to feel something, and it was just obtrusive.

Everything was totally empty. The voiceovers with "marketing 101" and whatever didn't work at all. Anytime someone broke the fourth wall and talked directly to the camera it felt super awkward and out of place. 6 was awkward, too. Nothing she did ever made sense. It was bizarre how everyone picked a new name. 3, 6, Sneaky Pete, Scat. I don't think real marketing executives do that. And who the heck would pick "Scat" for a name, anyway? He said it was referencing jazz, and okay, that's great, but do you not know what else it means?!

The guys at the competing soda company were so dumb. It's like they were trying to have a realistic movie, and then they put those guys in, and it didn't make any sense. Amber Heard's face bugged me. There's something off about her left eye, and I didn't like all that dark lipstick. Her spiel about what men expect out of women didn't work. None of her dialogue worked; it was just bizarre. She did look gorgeous in a couple of scenes in her apartment, though.

Death Race 3: Inferno

Death Race is a great movie. Death Race 3: Inferno is not. There were multiple times when I was watching this that I wished I hadn't wasted my time. The concept is still cool, and there are a few enjoyable moments and lines, but not nearly enough to make up for the painfully terrible acting.

Death Race, I wish I knew how to quit you. I thought I was going to get to see The Illusionist (animated one, not Edward Norton), but the library didn't have it in stock after all. I was frustrated enough about that to just watch Death Race 3 without doing any research on it. Death Race was a great movie, and all I remember about Death Race 2 was that it sucked. The trailer for Death Race 3 looked promising, so I gave it a shot.

That turned out to be a mistake. The acting was so bad it was downright painful to watch. The star, the navigator, the villain, practically every actor in the entire movie was terrible. Danny Trejo, Fred Koehler and Ving Rhames were fine, but that's about it. There were actually a few good lines, but most of the writing was terrible. The driver introductions were totally flat; no info about the driver at all, just a flashy picture with their name. They did have a couple interesting drivers; I actually felt sorry for all of them when they died, which wasn't a good direction to go.

I guess because Luke Goss sucked so much, I really didn't care about Frankenstein, and I wasn't interested in him beating the other drivers. So much of the movie made no sense. Why were the prisoners always allowed to tell all the guards to leave? Why was Katrina randomly washing the floor by Carl's cell?

Fairhaven

Fairhaven wasn't a boring movie, per se, but it winds up going absolutely nowhere.

When I saw Fairhaven, it was time to watch a movie by myself again, and Netflix didn't have any of the movies I wanted to see. I decided to check Hulu and see if they had Silent Running, because I might not've looked for it there last time I was trying to find something to watch. The first screen I went to showed they had Fairhaven. I've wanted to see it for a while, so I was pretty excited about that. I thought I had the green light on it from Roeper, but it occurred to me as I started watching it that I might not've actually seen a review on it, which meant I was watching a movie based solely on the trailer.

This turned out to be a Very Bad Idea. Luckily, I probably would've been in front of the TV for about half the movie, anyway, so I really only lost 45 minutes of my life to it. There were some pretty landscape shots, at least.

The Last Airbender

Shyamalan should never be allowed to make another film after what he did to this show.

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

While watching this movie, I thought, "The last time I disliked characters this much was when I saw Being John Malkovich," and sure enough..this was written by the same man. Unfortunately, this didn't grab me the way that did, and it was even tougher to sit through. I think I may have to write off Mr. Kaufman altogether, no pun intended.

Very Bad Things

Very bad movie.

Jackass Number Two

Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story

The movie they were making is more interesting than the movie that was made.