Cockneys vs. Zombies

Cockneys vs. Zombies was a cool idea, but the execution was atrocious. Nearly everything the characters did was illogical to the point of being obnoxious. I did like some of the characters, and it was funny at times, but you're better off just watching the trailer and pretending you've seen the movie. 

Cockneys vs. Zombies had a great trailer, so I was immediately interested. Roeper didn't review it, so I didn't have any help there. Reviews on IMDb and Rotten Tomatoes were mixed. I felt like it was one of those movies where you would like it if you were predisposed to, so I kept it on my list.

That was a big mistake. This movie was terrible. The idea was cool - tough old people fighting zombies. But the execution was rough. It felt like some college kids got together and made a movie. The production value was just nonexistent. The zombies didn't look dead. They moved so slowly, I don't see how they could be a threat to anyone.

I haven't seen the classic zombie movies, but I think that's what they were going for with these zombies and effects; that and, they clearly had no money with which to make the movie. The effects were super fake and super gory at the same time. They were pretty gross. Even though the zombies were slow, I did still find them scary, but I'm easy to scare.

They didn't stick with any one part of the story long enough. The constant cuts between stories was obnoxious. The bank robbery was a total joke. The whole time I was just thinking, "why are they doing everything like this?" Mickey definitely would've gotten shot when he came out and started shooting the cops.

I had that problem with most of the movie, actually. After watching so much serious zombie stuff like Walking Dead, I had problems with nearly every move these kids made. "Why are you shooting that guy? Don't waste your ammo!" "Why are you going to the dock instead of just shooting the chain?" "Why don't you just shoot the metal-plated zombie in the mouth or back of the head?" "Why did you take your jacket off? You need it to protect against zombie bites!" "Why are you stabbing those zombies through the chest and then leaving your sword in the wall?!" It was just terrible.

There were some good things about it, though. I liked the brothers a lot, especially Adam. He was cute. I liked the idea that the zombie virus was a mutated form of the black plague. The flashbacks with the brothers were funny, and it was also funny when they did a callback when Adam was egging the zombies on. I liked that only Adam could start the car. It was pretty funny when they all had the mustaches on, and it was also funny when Mickey said "stand up," and Davey started to stand up, and Terry said "not you." And it was good when they brought back that one construction guy at the end and shot him.

The scene with the guy using a walker trying to get away from a zombie was funnier in the trailer, and the way they cut the part where Ray comes out to rescue him was just atrocious. It wasn't believable that those old people would be able to hold off all those zombies, not the way they were doing it. Ray definitely wouldn't have survived being surrounded by the gang of zombies on the boat, either.

The sleeping guy wouldn't have survived having zombies all around him. They would've smelled him, which is the same reason why the zombie wouldn't have bitten that guy's prosthetic leg any more than it would've bitten a table leg. It was funny, but you have to have some basis in reality or it bugs me. Whether or not kicking the zombie baby was in poor taste, I just didn’t like it, and it was too overt that it flew into a billboard that said something about "targeting violence against children."

The scene where they raided Mickey's gun locker was cool. I don't think they all would've been such good shots. Everyone pretty much hit their target, young or old. Maybe they weren't all headshots, and the zombies just fell over and weren't a problem for the moment. It didn't make sense that the bank teller would've gotten eaten by those zombies. They told him they were there, and he didn't believe them, but we heard the zombies, so he would've, too.

It was admirable that they were trying to rob a bank to save the care home. I didn't understand how their parents died, though. They should've made it more clear what they were fighting for/against, exactly. I felt like Katie should've been more interested in finding/saving her own parents. Maybe she figured they could handle themselves and the old people were more of a priority.

I liked Ray's character, and the flashback with him and the Nazis was funny. I liked that they used a double decker bus, too. I don't think Terry would've stopped at the red light, though. That just didn't make any sense. No one would do that. I didn't agree with their decision to go check on the hostage's sister before getting the old people, either. They should've just told her she was on her own, and if she wanted to go check on her sister, go for it. Otherwise, stay with them. I never liked her character, either.

It was a funny idea that the hooligans would still fight each other, but it really went against zombie lore. It wasn't a serious enough movie to warrant thinking "I wonder if that means they're more alive than usual zombies? They still retain memories/impulses from their former lives? Maybe they could be brought back/cured?", but I still thought it. I think I just wasn't capable of taking this movie as lightly as you're supposed to.

I did miss probably at least 20-30% of the dialogue because of the accents. I tried to turn the subtitles on within the first 90 seconds of the movie, but there weren't any. I'm sure it was a low-budget movie, but really, subtitles are something you need to have.

I liked the sentiment of Ray's line at the end about kicking the zombies out and surviving, even if it wasn't written very well.

Apparently the director thought a lot more about the film than you can tell from watching it. He was inspired by the Olympics/gentrification taking over the East End, and he put a lot of older, classic buildings in the foreground, with big skyscrapers in the background, to represent the zombie plague as an analogy for the new stuff taking over the old stuff. I'm pretty sure no one would get that out of this movie unless it was explained to them.